How to Survive The Google Penguin Update and Ensure Google's Next Algorithm Change Won't Leave You Crying Like the Guy in Taekwondo Practice Who's Constantly Getting Kicked in the Nuts and Forgets to Wear His Cup

It seems like everybody's got their vagina in a steaming sandy wad of silicon-laced baby tears over Google's latest algorithm update, aka "The Penguin". No doubt Google will be correcting things throughout May, once they understand your website is uber-honest and does no evil and adds 1,000% value to the registry cleaner market, and soon everything will be right with the world.

At least, until the next update.

Here are five bulletproof suggestions on how to get your rankings back after Penguin and how to survive any Google algorithm update, ever.

You won't find tips like "Make sure you have lots of links," "Add value to the discussion," or "Get on the Internet and build an online website." You already know those things because it's the same rehashed crap every SEO "guru" or "industry leader" spits out every 2.5 days.

I don't want to treat you like a goddamn baby. Nope. I want to treat you like a real (BMI 26+) woman! So here is a great big swingin' butt of Karl Bradley SEO Gold.

1. Use Everything that Google Owns.

It's just plain durrrrrrrr that Google is nepotistic. We all knew this well before Google + started representing to a seriously blurpriffic degree with the update last fall.

If you wanna do well in the SEOs, you've gotta use Google's stuff! It's insane to see all you high-tech SEOs gurgling over the latest WordPress plugin when The Big G has its own blogging software and an obvious case of Nepotistic Personality Disorder (NepPD). Use Blogger already.

And YouTube. And LiveJournal, before Google comes and snaps it up, oh little goat don't you wish!

Check out this list of Google-owned domains, and if you see one where you can make a profile, well, you know what to do. After all, your 500 Orkut profile backlinks look a little suspicious just sitting there all alone.

2. Use Adsense

This is an extension of #1, but it's a) not one that people always think of when they think of using Youtube, Google +, and Instagram (ooops sorry there Zuck)  b) so important that it needs a second mention.

I'm not sure how much this affects big authority sites, but I can tell you without a doubt that if you're a blogging mom or somebody who's trying to get rich with Internet marketing hunting your micro-micro-uber-niche, you probably need some AdSense. Even if it detracts from your other ads.

"But Mr. Bradley, it's just a coincidence that every time I take AdSense off of my site, I fall 50 places in the SDERPs for 'Moo-cow butterfly magnet'."

No it's not. Put Adsense on there. Especially if you're running a Blogspot blog. See? This Trueru practices what he preaches!

3. Don't Forget About Bing

Did you know that Bing still exists? It carriers a decent bit of market share, it's frequently used by shoppers, and it's still affected by keyword tags.

Also, every time you optimize for Bing, you optimize for Yahoo as well. That's almost 30% market share, right there, and a whole lot easier competition.

Does anyone actually use Yahoo to look for anything but backlinks anymore? Hell if I know. I'm too busy using Pipes.

4. Buy Paid Traffic

This is essential what Google wants you to do, anyway. And since we all know that SEO is really about making Google happy, then buying $200/day worth of AdWords leads is probably some of the best SEO money can buy!

Seriously, paid traffic is FOR REAL. Just don't pay more per visitor than each visitor is worth to you in a lifetime. YOU WON'T GET ADVICE LIKE THAT ANYWHERE ELSE ON THE WEB!

5. Find Something Else to Do

Get a real job so your mom can be proud when she tells the neighbors what you do. Because I promise you, no matter how cool you might think you are right now, your mom is sitting home crying because her kid plays on the Internet all damn day. You should be ashamed.