Monday, May 28, 2012

Newsflash: Google Owes You Jack+Crap

I was kicking around reading Splork's blog Lost Ball in high weeds the other day, which is probably the most entertaining Internet Marketing Blog around right now. Splork takes Google updates in stride--none of this "Wah wah Mama Google's not feedin' me right!" crap you get from 90% of the IM crowd.

Karl Bradley SEO Black Belt Hates Him Some GD Whining


And even though as a service provider I feel the crunch sometimes (usually in a positive way, since most Google updates work to the advantage of good content providers, believeitorfuckingnot), you'll never once hear me whine about how Google done snatched my Linux Mint 9.0 computer by its backside and said, "All yr backlinks are belong to Google."

I'll admit that this update seemed pretty random in some spots, and actually seemed to penalize many webmasters for doing the right thing. All the same, I can't stand the whining.

Google Penguin and Your Rapidly Declining Income


But not everybody feels the same way about it. Said one reader:

"While the update may not have impacted you much, you need to realize how many people it has hurt from marketers like your readers, to article writers, to site designers, and of course people who make their money doing SEO. Everyone down the line is suffering as a whole industry is turned upside down.
You may not do this for a living but if you did, you might be more interested in what is happening. Most people who rely on IM income to put food on their tables have their own sites and Penguin has severely beaten many of them back."

Now if there's two things I can't stand, it's a whiner. And while it's nice to see somebody with a little heart in the IM field now and then, I've got to disagree with this guy on at least two points:
1) When it comes to getting new customers, it's not a very good business model to rely mainly on a SINGLE source of customers that SOMEONE ELSE controls--especially when they don't give two pigs in a pig farm, how well your business does!

This seems to me like a lazy business model--even though I know that many of you out there who make your living via SEO efforts, are anything but lazy. This business model is lazy and I don't respect it.

If nothing else, you should at least optimize for Bing. It wouldn't hurt to try some other things, though. Even (gasp!) paying for traffic!

2) Google doesn't owe you shit, and to act like it does, sounds to me like a pig-filthy attitude of entitlement. Seriously, I can't respect that. In fact I anti-respect it! It makes you sound like an asshole.
It also makes you sound more like an, "Ima make money on internets with posting links in Google!" crap-product-buying rube, as opposed to the business owner  you should be sounding like!

Why Google's Penguin Update is Good for SEOs



But even a Google's latest "One-eye-open" algorithm update, in the long run, is still good for SEO providers like me. Why? Real value will never go out of style with Google!


Sure, it may take the occasional hit like it did with Penguin. But I've gotta tell ya, the really good content providers of the world all rejoiced last year when Panda hit. Although I hear it's making things a little difficult for certain other writers out there...

...if you can't hang with the big boys, go get back on your big wheel!

Until next time,
Karl

Thursday, May 3, 2012

How to Survive The Google Penguin Update and Ensure Google's Next Algorithm Change Won't Leave You Crying Like the Guy in Taekwondo Practice Who's Constantly Getting Kicked in the Nuts and Forgets to Wear His Cup

It seems like everybody's got their vagina in a steaming sandy wad of silicon-laced baby tears over Google's latest algorithm update, aka "The Penguin". No doubt Google will be correcting things throughout May, once they understand your website is uber-honest and does no evil and adds 1,000% value to the registry cleaner market, and soon everything will be right with the world.

At least, until the next update.

Here are five bulletproof suggestions on how to get your rankings back after Penguin and how to survive any Google algorithm update, ever.

You won't find tips like "Make sure you have lots of links," "Add value to the discussion," or "Get on the Internet and build an online website." You already know those things because it's the same rehashed crap every SEO "guru" or "industry leader" spits out every 2.5 days.

I don't want to treat you like a goddamn baby. Nope. I want to treat you like a real (BMI 26+) woman! So here is a great big swingin' butt of Karl Bradley SEO Gold.

1. Use Everything that Google Owns.


It's just plain durrrrrrrr that Google is nepotistic. We all knew this well before Google + started representing to a seriously blurpriffic degree with the update last fall.

If you wanna do well in the SEOs, you've gotta use Google's stuff! It's insane to see all you high-tech SEOs gurgling over the latest WordPress plugin when The Big G has its own blogging software and an obvious case of Nepotistic Personality Disorder (NepPD). Use Blogger already.

And YouTube. And LiveJournal, before Google comes and snaps it up, oh little goat don't you wish!

Check out this list of Google-owned domains, and if you see one where you can make a profile, well, you know what to do. After all, your 500 Orkut profile backlinks look a little suspicious just sitting there all alone.

2. Use Adsense


This is an extension of #1, but it's a) not one that people always think of when they think of using Youtube, Google +, and Instagram (ooops sorry there Zuck)  b) so important that it needs a second mention.

I'm not sure how much this affects big authority sites, but I can tell you without a doubt that if you're a blogging mom or somebody who's trying to get rich with Internet marketing hunting your micro-micro-uber-niche, you probably need some AdSense. Even if it detracts from your other ads.

"But Mr. Bradley, it's just a coincidence that every time I take AdSense off of my site, I fall 50 places in the SDERPs for 'Moo-cow butterfly magnet'."

No it's not. Put Adsense on there. Especially if you're running a Blogspot blog. See? This Trueru practices what he preaches!

3. Don't Forget About Bing


Did you know that Bing still exists? It carriers a decent bit of market share, it's frequently used by shoppers, and it's still affected by keyword tags.

Also, every time you optimize for Bing, you optimize for Yahoo as well. That's almost 30% market share, right there, and a whole lot easier competition.

Does anyone actually use Yahoo to look for anything but backlinks anymore? Hell if I know. I'm too busy using Pipes.

4. Buy Paid Traffic


This is essential what Google wants you to do, anyway. And since we all know that SEO is really about making Google happy, then buying $200/day worth of AdWords leads is probably some of the best SEO money can buy!

Seriously, paid traffic is FOR REAL. Just don't pay more per visitor than each visitor is worth to you in a lifetime. YOU WON'T GET ADVICE LIKE THAT ANYWHERE ELSE ON THE WEB!

5. Find Something Else to Do


Get a real job so your mom can be proud when she tells the neighbors what you do. Because I promise you, no matter how cool you might think you are right now, your mom is sitting home crying because her kid plays on the Internet all damn day. You should be ashamed.

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oh noes mr. bradley aren't you going to optimize first?